More Things Your Coxswain Should Never say

1. We may have the smallest arms, but we're the hairiest!
2. Oh well, we can always get a new boat.
3. Oh well, you guys never liked the bowman too much anyway.
4. Man, it's a good thing I brought along this life jacket!
5. That's it. I'm outta here. You guys are on your own.
6. Does anyone know which way it is back to the bay?
7. Starboards, lighten up. We've just been rowing in a big circle.
8. Take a ten...no, a five...oh never mind.
9. OK, we've rowed all seven for awhile. Six, it's your turn to row now. Everybody else, set the boat.
10. OK, that's it for the stroke. Seven, throw him overboard and pull his oar in.
11. Do you think that gun is pointing at us?
12. Everybody weigh enough. Bow and 2-seat, you have each other's oars. Exchange them now.
13. OK, that last drill didn't work. Turn the boat back over and we'll try again.
14. Why does that helicopter have those floodlights trained on us?
15. OK, pull it into the bank. We're going to have to portage.
16. Six, put that fishing pole away.
17. OK everybody, now it's your turn to bruise the kidneys of the man BEHIND you.
18. My name is Andre. I'm a former Pro Wrestling star from France. I'm your new coxswain.
19. I have no idea what your seat numbers are, so I'm going to have to call you by name.
20. In my 15 years of coxing, this is absolutely the worst rowing I have ever seen.
21. There's room for the keg in the back.
22. Don't worry about it, it's just a splashboard.
23. If we row fast enough, not too much water will come into the hole.
24. To the Bat cave, Robin!
25. Let's have 10 for everybody putting their blades in the water.
26. Just really YANK it!
27. Everybody PANIC!!!
28. All eight, get set to flail furiously, in two...
29. Power 20 through the bridge...One, Two. You know, this reminds me of a funny story about a dog I once had...I wonder what kind of submarine has a periscope like that?
30. We're going to try out the new on-shore remote control mechanism today.
31. How many times have I told you, it's "Puke OPPOSITE your rigger!"
32. Well it was nice knowing all of you. Do you believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost?
33. Is that a mushroom cloud off port?
34. Well, that wasn't bad. I guess you can take your blindfolds off now.
35. Is that Bruce Willis coming towards us?
36. Oh, just slap it in.
37. Single strokes on this one: Drive, catch, finish!!!
38. Remember to push WAY down on those handles during the recovery.

BEFORE THE RACE:

1. Why are all you guys facing backwards?
2. Set those stretchers all the way forward! I want you to RAM into those front stops!
3. Remember, anybody who's wearing socks get thrown in.
4. OK, we lost to those 12 year old girls last week, but I suspect some of them were on steroids.
5. Everybody listen up. I'm going to hypnotize you into rowing a better race.
6. Since we're so small, I figure we're going to have to row the body of the race at 48.
7. They might not notice if we jump the start.
8. The only we're going to win this is if we rig it as an Octuple Scull.
9. Everybody pay CLOSE ATTENTION to the other boats!!!

DURING THE RACE:

1. What does "hasta la vista" mean?
2. Keep going! We'll make it to the finish line THIS time!
3. (In a 2000m race) Five minutes down, five minutes to go!
4. Keep going, I think I can still see them off in the distance!
5. Their jerseys ARE white, they just appear like that because they're redshirted.
6. We can probably salvage last place...
7. Are those men or women in the boat next to ours?
8. If we keep rowing like this, we'll definitely make it onto America's Funniest Home Videos this time!
9. (Referring to your opponents) They're old! They're weak!
10. Everyone quiet. I'm concentrating on summoning spirits.
11. Row hard. Harder. Harder now. Still harder. Harder yet. OK, that's hard enough.
12. ROW FASTER!!!
13. That's EXCELLENT work! Oh sorry, I was watching another boat.
14. When did they build THAT bridge?
15. You guys might as well take your shirts off right now.

AFTER THE RACE:

1. Don't stop just because it's the finish line! You guys need to get to the showers ASAP!